I had an epiphany … ish
I always feel guilty about not looking after myself, cancelling plans, not talking to people but you know what, I realised it’s no surprise.
Some days I don’t want to get out of bed
Some days my heads just numb - empty
Some days I’m okay and I’m “me”, whoever that is.
I spent my whole life (that I can remember - I was 7 when Tez was born) being a big sister to a special needs princess. I’ve seen things I shouldn’t have seen. My family has suffered things we shouldn’t have.
*see cute picture of Terri because it doesn't feel right posting a blog and her face not being in it.
I was brought up to cope. It was our way of life. I would never change a thing, anything I sacrificed for Terri was a choice I made and would make again.
But, I think I’ve finally realised what we went through. It’s finally clicked. As a family unit, we’re special, we got through all of it and we still love each other. We still like each other. The only people that will every fully understand our journey is us.
Surprisingly after all the times people said “I don’t know how you do it” … “you’re all so strong” I genuinely don’t know how I/we did.
There was so much happiness with Terri, but at the same time, we were always on edge. Ready for the next scare. The next operation. And the way we lost her wasn’t fair. We shouldn’t have lost her at all.
A big sister shouldn’t have to do those things. They shouldn’t have to run through a hospital with the fear of missing her baby sisters last breath. She shouldn’t feel guilty for having a life. But she does anyways.
I always shrugged it off… “it is what it is” “it’s not like we can just not cope”… but we could’ve, so many do. Give up. Not fight. Terri taught me that fight.
She made me want to fight.
Grief is hard, even after a year. I will always have the Terri shaped hole and it still effects me even though I maybe don't cry as much anymore.
So when do you start to feel like you again?
When do you stop feeling guilty for being happy?
How do you 'move on' without feeling like you're forgetting her?
When your life has been built around someone, what do you do when those walls crumble down?
I'll let you know if/when I figure it out.
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