There are two very different types of grief; losing someone and preparing for a loss.
I have been lucky in many way's to grow up with a loving family and always had my grandparents to rely on.
Although as a family we have been preparing ourselves for loss for sometime now. If it is even possible to prepare yourself for the loss of a child/sibling.
Grandma Johnston. You’ve been gone some time now and June still hurts. Your name, your birthday month.
This is one type of grief, knowing I’m never going to talk to you again, never going to have to sterile strip your soft skin back together when you walk into the door handles for the 3rd time in a week. Never going to hover around the crumbs you made eating your supper or sit with you while we both drink tea and eat vanilla fudge.
It took me over a year to be able to eat fudge after you had gone. I would literally stand in the shop about to buy some and be in tears. Whenever I eat it I literally think about you.
How can one little thing take me all the way back?
I told you everything. I’d vent to you, kicking off about how it isn’t fair that Terri is poorly, blaming god and you would listen. Never once did you judge what was said. Even though I know now you taught at Sunday school and believed in it all.
I felt safe with you and protected you all I could. I would miss sixth form when I knew you were uptown because I didn’t like you being uptown on your own. I would come up when you got poorly on a night, just to check in on you.
I remember when I was in hospital with cystitis that had gone septic, I spoke to mam, dad & Granda and held it together. As soon as you came on the phone I broke down.
I still feel safe with you. You are preparing me for the other type of grief. When I have a down day or moment you are still who I come to.
I don’t think who can I talk to. I don’t text or phone anyone. I come and visit you. Because though it all I still feel like you are the one person who “got” me. You never questioned anything I said, you never made me feel guilty about how I felt, but you were always there.
I keep a picture of you in my purse. I once lost it and the only thing I was bothered about – even though my purse carries everything, my cards, ID, medicines, it was the thought that I might have lost my little picture of you. But it’s ok I found you.
I walk through the cemetery, listening to the birds, looking at the flowers and take it all in. I sit with you, I don’t say anything, because I know you know why I’m here already.
I have found life harder to deal with over the past year or so and sometimes the only thing that gets me out the house is a walk to see you. You never wanted us to stand over your grave and be sad, so I don’t. I sit in the sun, amongst the flowers, dust your headstone and smile.
But I miss you. You should still be here keeping me right. Hiding ice-creams from Granda for us to eat when he is in the shower. Having our own special cake tin and apple juice.
You were, other than my mum & dad, my first best friend.
I often wonder how different my grief will be when it comes to losing Terri. But if it is anything like the journey I have been on with you, I know we will be ok. Eventually, as hard as it is.
Thank you for everything you ever have done for me and all that you keep doing.
-Jody Patricia
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